Some machines are so perfect, so ingenious and so fit for their purpose that they endure, unchanged, for centuries. Millennia, even. The wheel. The bucket. The knife. The human hand. The hand is one of the crowning evolutionary achievements of our species. Its opposable thumb makes it an incredibly versatile tool, capable of grasping and manipulating complex objects. It’s also super grouse to grab and tug your genitals with, in a manner familiar to teenagers, Gizmag writers and lower primates alike.
Just like we’ve seen numerous attempts to reinvent the wheel, there are those who aren’t satisfied with what the universe has handed them. Only last year I submitted myself to a vigorous and relentless milking by the Realtouch Interactive, a machine designed to limit RSI by replicating the ministrations of porn stars so viewers could feel some semblance of what their male co-stars were experiencing.
Which I suppose makes me qualified to comment on the Handie.
The Handie is a silicone batter’s mitt specifically tailored to improve on the human hand’s self-abuse capabilities. It includes a push-button lubrication system, which is conveniently located behind the thumb so it doesn’t get triggered 200 times per usage. There's also an "easy to clean catcher cup" to provide penetrative jollies while limiting mess – and my favorite piece of marketing copy this year goes to this gem: "The Handie has a vibrator perfectly located on the edge of the pinky finger to buzz your marbles and under-shaft… It’s always there when you need it, ready to kick things up a notch." Please, I don’t want anything kicked up my notch.
Best of all, the Handie offers "perfect grip" by … letting you grip yourself. Ingenious! It also makes sure you're pleasuring yourself consensually by forcing you to make the "OK" hand symbol before you begin. A nice touch.
Sadly, the market doesn’t seem to be responding with the same enthusiasm as the Handie’s creators. With just a couple of days left on its Indiegogo campaign, the Handie has raised only 5 percent of its capital goal. Still, for those backers that stumped up US$65 to pre-order one, it seems the Handie team plans to fulfill the orders regardless of whether the goal is met.
And there’s no need to feel sorry for these guys. Even if they don’t hit their fundraising goal, they can always console themselves by pretending they’re getting a wristie from Iron Man.