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Dyson decides to Dyson the hell out of robot vacuums

Dyson decides to Dyson the hell out of robot vacuums
Step aside, peasants. Prepare to get Dysoned
Step aside, peasants. Prepare to get Dysoned
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Step aside, peasants. Prepare to get Dysoned
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Step aside, peasants. Prepare to get Dysoned
No dirty area near a wall can stop this machine
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No dirty area near a wall can stop this machine
Rumor has it, the Dyson 360 Vis Nav was found in one of Da Vinci's Codex Atlanticus. We could've had this thing hundreds of years ago if the pages weren't stuck together
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Rumor has it, the Dyson 360 Vis Nav was found in one of Da Vinci's Codex Atlanticus. We could've had this thing hundreds of years ago if the pages weren't stuck together
You could pull this thing apart and make a lightsaber handle that even Mr Spock would get excited about
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You could pull this thing apart and make a lightsaber handle that even Mr Spock would get excited about
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It was Tomy, of all companies, that released what was technically the first robot vacuum back in 1985. Sure, the Dustbot was a big-eyed, extremely blinky kids' toy, but the dustpan and brush it carried was nought but a clever ruse. There was a vacuum in there, and it was able to sense edges and change directions. Not the most efficient thing in the world, not even particularly useful really. But it was the first.

iRobot was the company to break through in 2002, with a disc-shaped device called the Roomba, which served chiefly as a cat locomotion and rotation device, moving around a given space in a more or less random-looking pattern while spinning brushes and running a micro-vacuum that might, on a good day, suck the skin off a custard that had sat around for 30 minutes.

Since then, plenty of companies have got into the mix, and robot vacuums are now both common and clever. AI has granted some the power to recognize and dodge dog turds, for example, instead of auto-mashing them into every corner of a carpet. Some can 3D-map and navigate your home to make sure they haven't missed a spot.

Rumor has it, the Dyson 360 Vis Nav was found in one of Da Vinci's Codex Atlanticus. We could've had this thing hundreds of years ago if the pages weren't stuck together
Rumor has it, the Dyson 360 Vis Nav was found in one of Da Vinci's Codex Atlanticus. We could've had this thing hundreds of years ago if the pages weren't stuck together

Some can return home to charge and self-empty their little dustbins. Some have little mops that can clean hard surfaces and lift out of the way for carpets. And some have voice control or can be integrated with Alexa-style assistants, so they can be commanded through the art of yelling.

All are now irrelevant, at least in the eyes of a certain type of buyer. Because Dyson has sauntered onto the scene, 21 years late, and now deigns to Dyson all over the robot vacuum market. You know what that means: it's gonna be purple, it's gonna be techy-looking, it's gonna be engineered like it's going to the space station, it's gonna cost as much as a functional second-hand car, and it's gonna suck.

Oh how it'll suck. Dyson claims its brand-spanking new 360 Vis Nav sucks six times harder than any other robot vacuum. It'll pull the skin off custards that have been there for hours, maybe even days. No custard can feel truly safe ever again, thanks to what Dyson calls a 110,000-rpm Hyperdymium motor. I feel certain they had one of those on the starship Enterprise. Did you ever see a custard on that ship? Me neither.

You could pull this thing apart and make a lightsaber handle that even Mr Spock would get excited about
You could pull this thing apart and make a lightsaber handle that even Mr Spock would get excited about

There are no less than 26 sensors on the 360 Vis Nav, including a boggle-eyed 360-degree fisheye lens on top and several other cameras. There's an AI brain that "thinks and adapts" like the rest of us one day aspire to. There's a triple-action brush bar – which sounds like something that would send dairy cows into a lather of excitement, but apparently it's just some vacuuming thing, so you may have to let Daisy down gently.

There's an app, in which you can set up and schedule zones if you like that sort of thing. There's dual-link suspension, so this baby will roll right over steps up to 21-mm (0.8-in) high. There is ... apparently no ability to empty its own bin, which at a price around US$1,600 may be confusing – but only until you realize this is just Dyson's engineering team playing 4D chess, finding an innovative way to make this thing suck even harder.

It doesn't matter. If you, or your partner, habitually wear yoga pants outside the context of yoga, or own a Peloton, or know what Le Creuset is, or have anything in your house labeled Smeg (well, anything you'd show a visitor), you'll be getting one of these. Don't fight it, it's what you do.

No dirty area near a wall can stop this machine
No dirty area near a wall can stop this machine

Here is a 15-second video that looks highly technical but tells you nothing in a soothing way. If you're really desperate to nerd out, watch this brutally boring six-minute video telling you to install the thing instead.

The future of clean is coming.

Source: Dyson

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15 comments
15 comments
Yardarian1
Very funny and most apt review of a AI driven robotic vacuumcleaner. I feel refreshed without even buying it. Keep the cat locomotion coming.
MarylandUSA
Time to retire the slogan "Nothing sucks like Electrolux."
BlueOak
Dyson storms into the robot vacuum market with a… rendering.
cjeam
That was very funny. I know what Le Creuset is, I do kinda want one.
Tony Morrill
I knew this was an article from Loz before I was even 2 sentences into the preview in my New Atlas email... I don't know many writers that can make me LOL when reading about a vacuum. And the caption about Dr. Spock getting excited about a lightsaber about made me spit my Zipfizz all over my keyboard.. Brilliant writing as always.
P51d007
LOL, just another excuse for Dyson to charge 2-3 times the price of one of these things.
anthony88
A paediatrician with a lightsaber sounds like a recipe for an extreme child control technique.
ventifact
Was this written with AI?
Dave Holland
Thanks Loz, for the great article.
Now I understand why it is that research for my recent vacuum purchase they appeared to be uncompetitive on cost, value, performance and functionality. Maybe they lost their way while trialing in-house developed autonomous leadership and design technology?
sdoowbob
It's going to cost as much as a Tesla! 😭
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