Let's talk for a minute about the female orgasm. For a lucky minority of women, these exist in abundance, ready to be plucked ripe off a well-fruited vine at a moment's notice. If you're one of these girls, you can stop reading now and get back to washing your hair with that herbal goop that makes you bellow like Meg Ryan. If you're at the other end of the scale, where orgasm is a fleeting, furtive animal that must be hunted with patience and skill, then this device might be up your alley … so to speak.
Let's talk female orgasms
The range of female orgasmicicity (to coin a phrase) is probably quite similar to that of males - except that in the ladies' case, you're actually lucky if you're on the premature side of things, whereas for the fellas it leads to a whole lot of apologies, flowers and new kitchens.
But it's probably even more frustrating being a woman on the other end of the scale than a man who's a bit "touch and go" - there's a lot of girls around that need a "perfect storm" situation to ring their bell. Right time of the month, no stress, no contact with Jill in Accounting for at least three days, kids asleep, perfect soundtrack, clean sheets, patchouli in the oil burner and a partridge in a pear tree – or else it's just not going to happen.
Even then, when the mood is set perfectly, the physical stimulation has to be absolutely spot-on, or some poor lasses will drift back off into thinking about school lunches and the opportunity will be gone for good.
Thank heavens for technology.
Touching on the fascinating history of the vibrator
The first mechanical vibrators were used in the 1870s, as a therapeutic treatment for "female hysteria" – in what must be the greatest plan ever devised to get women to declare themselves hysterical.
These clockwork contraptions replaced and improved upon a sort of water cannon device - the principles of which will be familiar to any lady that has discovered a detachable shower head.
The advent of home electricity brought with it the ability to use these magical tools in the privacy of our own homes - and indeed, if Wikipedia is to be believed, womens' priorities were fairly clear; home vibrator kits hit the market some 9 years before the vacuum cleaner.
Modern day pleasure machines
These days, of course, it's perfectly acceptable for the modern woman to have a well-stocked drawer full of complex machinery by the bedside (although some take it too far - I'm looking at you Deb, and your box of diesel-powered horrors!). And if the adult entertainment expo in Vegas taught us anything, it's that one size does not fit all in this game.
The sheer variety of shapes, sizes and mechanical aptitudes displayed by today's vibrators are enough to make any man without a prehensile penis feel sorely inadequate.
The lesson here is that girls have very specific needs and tastes in this respect - and the device we're looking at here adds an unprecedented degree of precise control to the game that might just tip it over into "killer app" territory.
Your average vibrator has either an on/off switch, a power level control knob, or some selection of bizarre pre-programmed patterns that must have got serious results from a focus group back in the day. Boy, would that session have been fun.
OhMiBod and the Body Heat app: total control
The OhMiBod vibrator (which we've covered before) can be set up to pulse and vibrate in response to a music track - but when you pair it wirelessly with the Body Heat app running on an iPad or iPhone, you're suddenly the conductor of your own multi-touch orchestra of pleasure.
Move your finger up the screen to increase the speed of vibration, and move it to the right to increase the intensity, or amplitude of vibration with pinpoint precision. Bottom left of the screen gives you a gentle tickle, top right leaves you an Einstein hairdo and makes your teeth whiter.
Lift your finger off, and it keeps the current levels going - and if you use two finger multitouch, you can create more complex patterns that oscillate between points on the grid.
Shaking the phone vigorously will stop the device completely – I'm not sure that was the wisest choice. If I've learned one thing in my years, it's that when the shaking starts, you KEEP GOING AT ALL COSTS.
Either way, it puts a whole lot of control in the hands of women who really need it, and the interface itself is nice and touchy-feely in its own right, very feminine and girly.
So it seems for once that an iPhone or iPad might actually help cause some sexual activity rather than what usually happens at my place, where the missus and I each lie there playing Angry Birds until we forget why our birds were angry in the first place and go to sleep.
Triple your battery budgets, ladies, Roboc*ck is on his way. The wireless OhMiBod vibrator will set you back US$130, and the Body Heat app a further US$3.99 from the Apple App Store.
See the Body Heat app in use in the video below … no, sorry, it's not that kind of video.
