Need to accomplish something foolish? Here's a lighthearted look at apps that are the opposite of productive. You'll either bemoan their very existence or learn a thing or two about how to waste your time.
Do not use this app. Just be amused that it's been installed at least 100,000 times.
SMTH stands for "send me to heaven." It's a game of Russian roulette that puts your phone's life on the line, not yours. Launch the app and throw your phone into the air as high as you can. Catch it (hopefully). The app measures how far up you threw your phone and ranks you on a leaderboard. That's it.
According to the app, the current worldwide record is 44.19 meters into the air. Skeptical of this feat? The app knows if you're cheating; an error registers if the phone drops more than it rises. "I received some photographs," says SMTH's developer about record-breaking throws. "I don't want to publish them as I wouldn't recommend to anyone to try that. It's not a safe practice."
Again, it's obviously a reckless idea. But like seeing a "wet paint" sign and feeling an overwhelming urge to see for yourself, it's human nature to be tempted to give it a try.
Free on Google Play. Helpfully banned by the App Store.
If this mainstay of irreverent humor is too crude for you, approach this app as a cultural study instead: Flatulence has been joke fodder since time immemorial. In fact, the oldest recorded joke dates back to ancient Sumeria and is, you guessed it, of the fart variety.
It only follows that 21st century idiots are more powerfully equipped to make fart jokes than ever before. What a time to be alive! And iFart is the Cadillac of fart apps: More than just sound effects on demand, you can use the Record, Social, Sneak Attack, or Security features to orchestrate a full-on acoustic assault. If that's not top-shelf lowbrow, I don't know what is.
$1.99 for iPhone; free with in-app purchases for Android.
Voice Changer Plus
There are voice changing apps aplenty for both Apple and Android. Don't expect to pull any prank calls, though. Phones don't support the audio latency required to change your voice on the fly with a caller.
What you can do is record, alter, save and send your short voice memos. Voice Changer Plus is my pick because there are plenty of distinct options that call specific uses into mind. Classic situation of "I'm right, you're wrong?" Record yourself gloating with the "chorus" mode and suddenly a throng of angels is there to help you rub it in. Lost in IKEA? Record a plea, add pathetic echo effects using the "canyon" mode, and send it to the person who thought it was a good idea to take you there in the first place. Dumb, yes. Occasionally exhilarating? Possibly.
Free for iPhone; Best Voice Changer is a free Android alternative.
Will You Marry Me?
There are plenty of ways to tastefully utilize technology in wooing your love interest. Write out "will you marry me?" in a run tracking app. Use a drone to deliver a ring. Send her on a GPS-assisted scavenger hunt. Whatever you do, don't propose using an absolutely appalling app like this one.
Or, go ahead and try. See how that works out. If the stunning visual interpretation of an engagement ring doesn't win her over, surely the Papyrus font will draw a reaction. Maybe if you use the free version with ads, she'll be doubly impressed by your frugality.
Free for iPhone, in-app purchase removes ads.
Places I've Pooped
This app lets you drop a pin at locations where you've dropped a … well, you know. You can then share your activity with friends and family. Though I was initially disinclined to include multiple toilet humor apps on this roundup, stellar reviews on this one won me over.
According to one user, it's a self-esteem booster. "I really enjoy this, it has [the] ability to showcase my work." According to another, it promotes family bonding. "All my siblings follow each other and we keep updated in each other's lives through this app."
Yet another insists it is necessary and useful. "Hands down the single greatest app I've ever seen. 10/10 would recommend to anyone. I've always dreamed of being able to compete with friends on who has pooped the most places and you have made that a reality. Thank you."
And there's an even rarer phenomenon seen among the comments: Users are giving lots of meaningful feedback. They are asking for features like in-app photography, Like buttons and social media integration. Internet trolls would find something awful to say about a cure for cancer, but it seems "Places I've pooped" is the only topic that's above reproach.
Free for iPhone.
Still with us? Share your favorite waste of time in the comments below. Or, cleanse your palate by reading some of our more salient app roundups: